[He's not entirely sure he does see, but least that's not him pressing her for more answers? Not that it helps the continued stewing that caught her attention through their bond to begin with.]
[Really, he doesn't know what to make of... any of this, really. In truth, he's not even sure what that conversation would look like.]
I'm used to thoughts like this being discouraged. Snoke would have called it weakness. Distraction.
[That has no real bearing on whether they should have a conversation in person or not, nor his ultimate opinions on the subject, but maybe it gives some context to whatever confused jumble of emotions she might be sensing from him right now.]
[ She doesn't know, Kylo! And furthermore, thinking about him at all had always run the risk that he'd appear then and there, no matter how inconvenient the circumstance. ]
[ Why else would he have said that if it wasn't to justify why he doesn't feel that way about her??? ]
I'll come to you.
[ Her apartment is organized chaos, with far too many things to throw at his head if this goes badly. A few minutes later, there's a knock on his door and an uncharacteristically nervous-seeming yet still faintly exasperated Rey. She's nearly talked herself out of continuing this discussion in the short time it took her to walk over here. ]
[Those few minutes feel far longer than they should, and uncharacteristically nervous-seeming is the general state of this situation as Kylo quickly opens the door in reply to that knock. He steps aside to let her through the doorway.]
[ She enters, looking guarded and slightly reproachful. There's something unfair in the way he'd asked her only to leave her floundering for an answer and imply that thinking of her that way wasn't even something he'd consider for fear of it being a distraction. Her feelings, to put it simply, are hurt.
She opens her mouth to speak before he can even close the door behind her. ]
I missed my grandmother's post until you pointed it out. I thought it might be wise to read more of the network than I usually would.
[Which seems to have backfired on him, but what else is new. He hadn't intended to bring it up with her, but then she asked about what was on his mind.]
[Well, clearly he would have killed Luke out of those three options - but he resists the urge to answer with that, despite the temptation. The accusation rankles when, as far as he sees it, she's only given him deflective answers and not actually asked anything in return.]
[ She resists the urge to stomp her foot. Why is he being so obtuse? ]
Nothing, now. You've already said that having those feelings would've been a distraction. A weakness. And I'm not. So that's my answer; clearly you don't think of me that way.
[ Which is fine. She hadn't been thinking of him like that as a rule, either. ]
What I said was I'm used to Snoke's opinions. Not that I agree with them. He trained me not to think in those terms, but that doesn't mean I don't want to.
[ Her expression softens a touch, though she's still wary, and keeping her thoughts as small and close to herself as she possibly can. ]
It's not as if I've had a lot of opportunity to think of anyone like that either. And we haven't been here long enough to work out what we are to one another.
[ She still sounds faintly sulky about the entire thing. It's her own fault for playing the stupid game, but she hadn't thought anything of it at the time. Obviously she'd choose him first. That is obvious, right? ]
[He relaxes a bit as well, now that she isn't misunderstanding him quite so badly.]
What would you want to be?
[That's a big question, he knows, and he's not necessarily expecting her to have a real answer, but he is curious. And tired of trying and failing to understand on his own what she does want.]
[ It is a big question, and one she's mostly given up on sorting out until things feel more solid. There's still the expectation that they'll go home. She's already promised that things will be different between them when they do, but beyond that... hope is dangerous.
Even so, she has enough hope left to let her arms fall to her sides and take a single step closer. She searches his face for something she can't quite find, some expression to make any of his answers more readable. ]
I don't -- no, that's not true.
[ She pauses, takes a breath, and tries again. She doesn't know if they should, but that isn't what he asked. ]
I meant what I said on the network. I wasn't thinking about right this instant or anything. Or any time in particular. But if I were going to with anybody --
[ Why is this so hard??? She's flushed a distinct shade of pink and doesn't quite want to look at him. ]
[The "I don't know" she starts to say is the answer he's expecting, and his eyebrows raise slightly as she cuts herself off from it.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment, even after she finishes getting the words out. It's not a surprise, given what little she'd said so far, given things he'd felt from her before, but that doesn't stop a deeply learned instinct to react to any form of praise with disbelief. A part of him is waiting for her to keep talking, to put some further qualification on that statement, or to somehow try to take it back entirely.
But she doesn't.
It takes him another entirely awkward moment to form the words he eventually says in reply, simple as they are.]
[ Rey's even waiting for herself to take it back the instant his reply is something that makes it clear that she ought to. Even knowing he cares for her enough to consider the question at all, they've hurt one another. It wouldn't be strange if either one decided it was better off being left alone.
When he doesn't add any qualifiers of his own she stands there looking slightly deflated, as if she'd been poised for a fight that never came. She supposes she had been, at that. She'd prepared to march down here and make it clear that it was fine if he didn't consider her that way at all. She doesn't know how to respond to this. ]
[Somehow, that exchange was all both harder and easier than either of them expected it to be. And it feels like they've resolved something but also not anything at all. A part of him is likewise still waiting for the fight they didn't have. He's not sure what to do with agreement, especially agreement on nothing beyond feelings themselves. What exactly do they do now?
But whatever the answer to that is, it is probably not both of them standing awkwardly in his entryway failing to figure out what to say. There has to be something they can do instead. Something that doesn't involve taking a wrecking ball to what they've just concluded by immediately acting on it in what is guaranteed to be the wrong way.
He gestures toward a small table at the edge of the kitchen.]
[ She had been intending to... she's not sure what, honestly. Go back to her book with even less focus than she'd had before? Find something out in the wilds to fight so she wouldn't spend any more time analyzing this conversation? Either option seems likely until the offer of baked goods is on the table. ]
Okay.
[ ... where had he gotten muffins? Did Kylo bake muffins??? When and where would he have had the time to learn that? There are just a lot of questions swirling around her thoughts as she moves to sit at the little table, but at least they're taking the place of any more awkward ones. ]
[Any confusion he might be picking up from her is easily lost in his own jumble of thoughts and emotions. That the muffins themselves might be baffling to her is not something that even crosses his mind as he retrieves them from a kitchen cabinet. Though the fact that they are in a package that's only just now being opened should at least answer the question of whether or not he'd made them himself.
He pulls a couple of small plates from a different cabinet, setting one in front of Rey before he settles into the seat across from her, the package of muffins between them.]
[ She reaches for a muffin with an uncharacteristically hesitant little smile. This was more difficult than fighting had ever been, figuring out how to be toward one another with the introduction of feelings into their already fraught relationship.
At least she doesn't have to talk with a muffin in her mouth, though she can't quite keep herself from reacting to the first bite with a small hum of pleasure when she finds it's got little bits of chocolate in it. She hasn't quite gotten used to the fact that it's a relatively common sweet for most people; she'd never had any in her life before coming here. She even chews more slowly than she normally would, because the longer she takes eating it the less she has to talk about anything more complicated. ]
I didn't take you for someone who'd care for sweet things.
[ She supposes he must be as unused to them as she is, but with some added disapproval having been trained into him. ]
[He's not as unused to such things as she is. While sweets have never been a large part of his life, they have been present enough to not present the same novelty they hold for her. She's not wrong about the disapproval, though at least high enough ranking officers in the First Order ended up with dessert included in their meals at times. Of course, Snoke would have had something to say if he had any inclination to particularly indulge in them. Or anything that might generally be considered pleasant, really.
He spends a moment simply watching her before he takes one for himself, pleased that he had been right about them being something she'd enjoy. As for her observation, he shrugs slightly.]
[ It still hasn't quite sunk in with Rey that she can just have treats like this easily; that she doesn't have to guard her resources so carefully as to deny herself foods that are commonplace here just because she never would have been able to have them back on Jakku. Even within the Resistance she found herself wary that anything she had could go away.
She takes uncharacteristically careful bites of the muffin, breaking little pieces off to force herself to slow down and savor it. It's not portion bread; it actually tastes like something, and she'd like that experience to last a while. ]
But you were today? I suppose it's lucky I stopped by.
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chiming
no subject
Date: 2022-12-15 05:31 am (UTC)From:I mean, no, it doesn't mean that. I don't know. It doesn't mean anything. It was a game.
[ She's very, very pink right now, Kylo. Save her. ]
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Date: 2022-12-15 05:38 am (UTC)From:[He's not entirely sure he does see, but least that's not him pressing her for more answers? Not that it helps the continued stewing that caught her attention through their bond to begin with.]
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Date: 2022-12-15 05:42 am (UTC)From:[ Now she's stewing, too. This is ridiculous. ]
I think if this is a conversation you actually want to have, we should have it in person.
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Date: 2022-12-15 06:02 am (UTC)From:[Really, he doesn't know what to make of... any of this, really. In truth, he's not even sure what that conversation would look like.]
I'm used to thoughts like this being discouraged. Snoke would have called it weakness. Distraction.
[That has no real bearing on whether they should have a conversation in person or not, nor his ultimate opinions on the subject, but maybe it gives some context to whatever confused jumble of emotions she might be sensing from him right now.]
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Date: 2022-12-15 05:19 pm (UTC)From:[ She doesn't know, Kylo! And furthermore, thinking about him at all had always run the risk that he'd appear then and there, no matter how inconvenient the circumstance. ]
Well. I don't want to be a distraction.
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Date: 2022-12-15 06:45 pm (UTC)From:[Why is Rey so adept at hearing things not the way he meant them? But that's another reason to have this conversation in person, isn't it.]
I'm in my apartment if you want to come here. Or I can come to you.
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:03 pm (UTC)From:I'll come to you.
[ Her apartment is organized chaos, with far too many things to throw at his head if this goes badly. A few minutes later, there's a knock on his door and an uncharacteristically nervous-seeming yet still faintly exasperated Rey. She's nearly talked herself out of continuing this discussion in the short time it took her to walk over here. ]
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:15 pm (UTC)From:Come in.
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:32 pm (UTC)From:She opens her mouth to speak before he can even close the door behind her. ]
It was just a game. I didn't think you'd read it.
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:41 pm (UTC)From:[Which seems to have backfired on him, but what else is new. He hadn't intended to bring it up with her, but then she asked about what was on his mind.]
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:46 pm (UTC)From:I don't care why you read it. I care that you're asking me questions you won't answer for yourself.
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:54 pm (UTC)From:What do you want to know?
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Date: 2022-12-15 07:59 pm (UTC)From:Nothing, now. You've already said that having those feelings would've been a distraction. A weakness. And I'm not. So that's my answer; clearly you don't think of me that way.
[ Which is fine. She hadn't been thinking of him like that as a rule, either. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-15 08:07 pm (UTC)From:I didn't say that.
[Seriously, give him a second to catch up here.]
What I said was I'm used to Snoke's opinions. Not that I agree with them. He trained me not to think in those terms, but that doesn't mean I don't want to.
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Date: 2022-12-15 08:18 pm (UTC)From:It's not as if I've had a lot of opportunity to think of anyone like that either. And we haven't been here long enough to work out what we are to one another.
[ She still sounds faintly sulky about the entire thing. It's her own fault for playing the stupid game, but she hadn't thought anything of it at the time. Obviously she'd choose him first. That is obvious, right? ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-15 09:01 pm (UTC)From:What would you want to be?
[That's a big question, he knows, and he's not necessarily expecting her to have a real answer, but he is curious. And tired of trying and failing to understand on his own what she does want.]
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Date: 2022-12-15 09:49 pm (UTC)From:Even so, she has enough hope left to let her arms fall to her sides and take a single step closer. She searches his face for something she can't quite find, some expression to make any of his answers more readable. ]
I don't -- no, that's not true.
[ She pauses, takes a breath, and tries again. She doesn't know if they should, but that isn't what he asked. ]
I meant what I said on the network. I wasn't thinking about right this instant or anything. Or any time in particular. But if I were going to with anybody --
[ Why is this so hard??? She's flushed a distinct shade of pink and doesn't quite want to look at him. ]
It would be with you.
[ Obviously. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 02:25 am (UTC)From:He doesn't say anything for a long moment, even after she finishes getting the words out. It's not a surprise, given what little she'd said so far, given things he'd felt from her before, but that doesn't stop a deeply learned instinct to react to any form of praise with disbelief. A part of him is waiting for her to keep talking, to put some further qualification on that statement, or to somehow try to take it back entirely.
But she doesn't.
It takes him another entirely awkward moment to form the words he eventually says in reply, simple as they are.]
Me too.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 03:12 am (UTC)From:When he doesn't add any qualifiers of his own she stands there looking slightly deflated, as if she'd been poised for a fight that never came. She supposes she had been, at that. She'd prepared to march down here and make it clear that it was fine if he didn't consider her that way at all. She doesn't know how to respond to this. ]
Well. I'm glad we cleared that up.
[ ????????????????????????? ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 03:33 am (UTC)From:[Somehow, that exchange was all both harder and easier than either of them expected it to be. And it feels like they've resolved something but also not anything at all. A part of him is likewise still waiting for the fight they didn't have. He's not sure what to do with agreement, especially agreement on nothing beyond feelings themselves. What exactly do they do now?
But whatever the answer to that is, it is probably not both of them standing awkwardly in his entryway failing to figure out what to say. There has to be something they can do instead. Something that doesn't involve taking a wrecking ball to what they've just concluded by immediately acting on it in what is guaranteed to be the wrong way.
He gestures toward a small table at the edge of the kitchen.]
Do you want to sit down? I have muffins.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 04:45 am (UTC)From:Okay.
[ ... where had he gotten muffins? Did Kylo bake muffins??? When and where would he have had the time to learn that? There are just a lot of questions swirling around her thoughts as she moves to sit at the little table, but at least they're taking the place of any more awkward ones. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:04 am (UTC)From:He pulls a couple of small plates from a different cabinet, setting one in front of Rey before he settles into the seat across from her, the package of muffins between them.]
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Date: 2022-12-16 05:30 am (UTC)From:At least she doesn't have to talk with a muffin in her mouth, though she can't quite keep herself from reacting to the first bite with a small hum of pleasure when she finds it's got little bits of chocolate in it. She hasn't quite gotten used to the fact that it's a relatively common sweet for most people; she'd never had any in her life before coming here. She even chews more slowly than she normally would, because the longer she takes eating it the less she has to talk about anything more complicated. ]
I didn't take you for someone who'd care for sweet things.
[ She supposes he must be as unused to them as she is, but with some added disapproval having been trained into him. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:44 am (UTC)From:He spends a moment simply watching her before he takes one for himself, pleased that he had been right about them being something she'd enjoy. As for her observation, he shrugs slightly.]
I'm not, usually.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:51 pm (UTC)From:She takes uncharacteristically careful bites of the muffin, breaking little pieces off to force herself to slow down and savor it. It's not portion bread; it actually tastes like something, and she'd like that experience to last a while. ]
But you were today? I suppose it's lucky I stopped by.
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