[The "I don't know" she starts to say is the answer he's expecting, and his eyebrows raise slightly as she cuts herself off from it.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment, even after she finishes getting the words out. It's not a surprise, given what little she'd said so far, given things he'd felt from her before, but that doesn't stop a deeply learned instinct to react to any form of praise with disbelief. A part of him is waiting for her to keep talking, to put some further qualification on that statement, or to somehow try to take it back entirely.
But she doesn't.
It takes him another entirely awkward moment to form the words he eventually says in reply, simple as they are.]
[ Rey's even waiting for herself to take it back the instant his reply is something that makes it clear that she ought to. Even knowing he cares for her enough to consider the question at all, they've hurt one another. It wouldn't be strange if either one decided it was better off being left alone.
When he doesn't add any qualifiers of his own she stands there looking slightly deflated, as if she'd been poised for a fight that never came. She supposes she had been, at that. She'd prepared to march down here and make it clear that it was fine if he didn't consider her that way at all. She doesn't know how to respond to this. ]
[Somehow, that exchange was all both harder and easier than either of them expected it to be. And it feels like they've resolved something but also not anything at all. A part of him is likewise still waiting for the fight they didn't have. He's not sure what to do with agreement, especially agreement on nothing beyond feelings themselves. What exactly do they do now?
But whatever the answer to that is, it is probably not both of them standing awkwardly in his entryway failing to figure out what to say. There has to be something they can do instead. Something that doesn't involve taking a wrecking ball to what they've just concluded by immediately acting on it in what is guaranteed to be the wrong way.
He gestures toward a small table at the edge of the kitchen.]
[ She had been intending to... she's not sure what, honestly. Go back to her book with even less focus than she'd had before? Find something out in the wilds to fight so she wouldn't spend any more time analyzing this conversation? Either option seems likely until the offer of baked goods is on the table. ]
Okay.
[ ... where had he gotten muffins? Did Kylo bake muffins??? When and where would he have had the time to learn that? There are just a lot of questions swirling around her thoughts as she moves to sit at the little table, but at least they're taking the place of any more awkward ones. ]
[Any confusion he might be picking up from her is easily lost in his own jumble of thoughts and emotions. That the muffins themselves might be baffling to her is not something that even crosses his mind as he retrieves them from a kitchen cabinet. Though the fact that they are in a package that's only just now being opened should at least answer the question of whether or not he'd made them himself.
He pulls a couple of small plates from a different cabinet, setting one in front of Rey before he settles into the seat across from her, the package of muffins between them.]
[ She reaches for a muffin with an uncharacteristically hesitant little smile. This was more difficult than fighting had ever been, figuring out how to be toward one another with the introduction of feelings into their already fraught relationship.
At least she doesn't have to talk with a muffin in her mouth, though she can't quite keep herself from reacting to the first bite with a small hum of pleasure when she finds it's got little bits of chocolate in it. She hasn't quite gotten used to the fact that it's a relatively common sweet for most people; she'd never had any in her life before coming here. She even chews more slowly than she normally would, because the longer she takes eating it the less she has to talk about anything more complicated. ]
I didn't take you for someone who'd care for sweet things.
[ She supposes he must be as unused to them as she is, but with some added disapproval having been trained into him. ]
[He's not as unused to such things as she is. While sweets have never been a large part of his life, they have been present enough to not present the same novelty they hold for her. She's not wrong about the disapproval, though at least high enough ranking officers in the First Order ended up with dessert included in their meals at times. Of course, Snoke would have had something to say if he had any inclination to particularly indulge in them. Or anything that might generally be considered pleasant, really.
He spends a moment simply watching her before he takes one for himself, pleased that he had been right about them being something she'd enjoy. As for her observation, he shrugs slightly.]
[ It still hasn't quite sunk in with Rey that she can just have treats like this easily; that she doesn't have to guard her resources so carefully as to deny herself foods that are commonplace here just because she never would have been able to have them back on Jakku. Even within the Resistance she found herself wary that anything she had could go away.
She takes uncharacteristically careful bites of the muffin, breaking little pieces off to force herself to slow down and savor it. It's not portion bread; it actually tastes like something, and she'd like that experience to last a while. ]
But you were today? I suppose it's lucky I stopped by.
[Unclear whether that's an explanation for why today or why he has them in the first place. Though he may or may not have bought them entirely because he had noticed her enjoying something similar one of the times they'd had food provided, and they may or may not have been sitting unopened in that cupboard for a while because he wasn't actually likely to eat them on his own. At least they haven't been sitting long enough to go stale.
Regardless of whether she picks up that implication, it's pretty clear that he's more invested in her enjoyment of them than his own. His bites of muffin aren't nearly as thoughtful as hers, though he would admit they are better than he might have expected.]
[ That makes her pause her chewing and blink at him, trying to work out if he'd meant he bought them because she'd like them. She had been stopping by now and then; whatever else she thought of him, she'd accepted that his presence was comfortable if she'd allow it to be. It wouldn't be unreasonable to have something here just because she might like it -- but she'd never expected him to take notice of what kind of food she liked. ]
Were you waiting for me to visit? Is that why you hadn't opened them?
[ He could have just asked her. If this was meant to be a Rey trap, it wasn't a very good one if she didn't know it existed. ]
[It wasn't as if it was some kind of calculated decision, and if he'd meant it as a way to lure her here, then he would have said something about it. Enticing her over that way isn't necessary, anyway, when she comes by on her own often enough now.]
I just wanted to have something you'd like if you were here.
[ There's a part of her that almost wants to protest. She isn't sure why. Maybe because there's a part of her that still worries she'll have to be his enemy, and small kindnesses like these will only make that day more difficult. But given what they've confessed to one another, it seems silly to worry about something as small as offering her a food that she likes. There's another part of her that just wants to burst into tears at what a kindness like this would've meant to her for most of her life before now.
She doesn't want him to think that burst of sadness has anything to do with him, so she puts down the last bite of her muffin to try to explain. ]
Back on Jakku, if anyone given me something like this --
[ She shrugs and shakes her head, unable to fathom a situation in which anyone might have. ]
Niima outpost was too small to get many traders, and even those who didn't rely on portions to eat needed to be certain the food would keep. I'd have traded it away immediately for something that would last longer, no matter how much I wanted it.
[It's good that she chooses to clarify, because until she speaks, he can't imagine what she'd be so suddenly sad about. But as soon as she mentions Jakku, it makes sense. He knows enough of what her life had been like. He saw glimpses of it, that first time he looked into her mind.]
You're not on Jakku anymore.
[It's not a rebuttal so much as a sympathetic reminder that she doesn't have to worry about the conditions of her past any more than he's currently beholden to Snoke's instructions.]
[ She does know. But she also knows how quickly people leave here, and how sometimes they come back without any memory of having come here before. There didn't see any rhyme or reason to it, and while she knew that going home wouldn't mean going back to Jakku, it would mean the end of the relatively comfortable life they'd been leading here in the middle of someone else's war. ]
I just worry, sometimes, that I'm going to become accustomed to wanting things I can't keep.
[He understands what she means. Even now, he might choose to stay here with her, rather than go back to the frustrations of the life he'd been pulled from. But they've already seen things that prove it isn't as simple as making a choice. And ultimately, both of them do have reasons not to leave forever
When we do go home, I wonder if we'll even remember any of this.
I wasn't just talking about muffins. You couldn't have known what it would mean to me.
[ Most people didn't find themselves suddenly on the verge of tears because they'd been given a muffin by someone they have feelings for. It's nothing she expected him to know; she just wants him to understand why her reactions are like this sometimes. Why she seems pulled in two directions at once even now. ]
I want to remember. And I don't want to leave yet. I know I should, but -- if this is all we have, I want more of it.
[ It sounds selfish to her ears, but she can't quite want to take it back. ]
[She's right, he had no idea what it would mean to her. And it's a relief to hear her speak that same selfish sentiment aloud.]
Me too.
[He has no particular attachment to this place itself, no particular stake in the fight against the Sylphid. But having the barriers to any relationship with Rey so far removed, and being able to spend time with the grandfather he previously could only imagine... those are things he won't give up easily.]
[ It's hard to keep fighting a war in which winning means going home. Maybe they wouldn't have to necessarily, but she couldn't abandon everyone back home. Could she? Without either one of them, Palpatine would remain a threat even if the First Order fell apart. And if they don't remember -- ]
You have to make me remember. If I leave and forget.
[ It's sudden and insistent, a contrast to her more subdued tone of the moments before. She can't go back to being his enemy after all of this. If one of them remembers, the other can show them. ]
[He nods. He'd had the same thought, about if somehow only one of them remembers.]
You, too. If I forget... You know how to find me.
[It would be easier if it happened that way, in many respects. She's the one who'd been so insistent on blocking him out, and with the Resistance that had been doing a good job of staying hidden. But he will find her if it falls to him to do so.]
[ She's already drawn that same conclusion, that it would be easier if she remembered. If she forgot -she was as likely as not to draw a lightsaber on him again. She's quiet as she ponders the problem while finishing the last of her muffin. She can't tell him where the rest of the Resistance is hiding; even trusting him as much as she's come to, she can't risk him simply showing up. It was too dangerous for everyone involved, especially if she never made it back. ]
We were looking for the way to Exegol. Pasaana was our first stop; from there I can't say, but you can figure it out. Get ahead of me. Don't let me do anything stupid.
[ Like steal your ship and set it on fire and then head straight to Exegol by herself. ]
[He takes a moment to commit that to memory, as fully as he can, some part of him desperately hoping that if he recalls nothing else upon returning, he will somehow know that. He meets her gaze, then.]
I was already looking for you, before we were here.
Is that why it was getting harder to block you out?
[ It's said with almost a touch of relief. She'd been worried that whatever turned her dreams toward the Dark was starting to affect her waking hours too. ]
I thought I was slipping. I kept catching glimpses of you.
[ When her mind wandered anywhere near him, or when she got too tired to keep her guard up...which became more often the harder she trained. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chiming
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 02:25 am (UTC)From:He doesn't say anything for a long moment, even after she finishes getting the words out. It's not a surprise, given what little she'd said so far, given things he'd felt from her before, but that doesn't stop a deeply learned instinct to react to any form of praise with disbelief. A part of him is waiting for her to keep talking, to put some further qualification on that statement, or to somehow try to take it back entirely.
But she doesn't.
It takes him another entirely awkward moment to form the words he eventually says in reply, simple as they are.]
Me too.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 03:12 am (UTC)From:When he doesn't add any qualifiers of his own she stands there looking slightly deflated, as if she'd been poised for a fight that never came. She supposes she had been, at that. She'd prepared to march down here and make it clear that it was fine if he didn't consider her that way at all. She doesn't know how to respond to this. ]
Well. I'm glad we cleared that up.
[ ????????????????????????? ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 03:33 am (UTC)From:[Somehow, that exchange was all both harder and easier than either of them expected it to be. And it feels like they've resolved something but also not anything at all. A part of him is likewise still waiting for the fight they didn't have. He's not sure what to do with agreement, especially agreement on nothing beyond feelings themselves. What exactly do they do now?
But whatever the answer to that is, it is probably not both of them standing awkwardly in his entryway failing to figure out what to say. There has to be something they can do instead. Something that doesn't involve taking a wrecking ball to what they've just concluded by immediately acting on it in what is guaranteed to be the wrong way.
He gestures toward a small table at the edge of the kitchen.]
Do you want to sit down? I have muffins.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 04:45 am (UTC)From:Okay.
[ ... where had he gotten muffins? Did Kylo bake muffins??? When and where would he have had the time to learn that? There are just a lot of questions swirling around her thoughts as she moves to sit at the little table, but at least they're taking the place of any more awkward ones. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:04 am (UTC)From:He pulls a couple of small plates from a different cabinet, setting one in front of Rey before he settles into the seat across from her, the package of muffins between them.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:30 am (UTC)From:At least she doesn't have to talk with a muffin in her mouth, though she can't quite keep herself from reacting to the first bite with a small hum of pleasure when she finds it's got little bits of chocolate in it. She hasn't quite gotten used to the fact that it's a relatively common sweet for most people; she'd never had any in her life before coming here. She even chews more slowly than she normally would, because the longer she takes eating it the less she has to talk about anything more complicated. ]
I didn't take you for someone who'd care for sweet things.
[ She supposes he must be as unused to them as she is, but with some added disapproval having been trained into him. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:44 am (UTC)From:He spends a moment simply watching her before he takes one for himself, pleased that he had been right about them being something she'd enjoy. As for her observation, he shrugs slightly.]
I'm not, usually.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 05:51 pm (UTC)From:She takes uncharacteristically careful bites of the muffin, breaking little pieces off to force herself to slow down and savor it. It's not portion bread; it actually tastes like something, and she'd like that experience to last a while. ]
But you were today? I suppose it's lucky I stopped by.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 06:00 pm (UTC)From:[Unclear whether that's an explanation for why today or why he has them in the first place. Though he may or may not have bought them entirely because he had noticed her enjoying something similar one of the times they'd had food provided, and they may or may not have been sitting unopened in that cupboard for a while because he wasn't actually likely to eat them on his own. At least they haven't been sitting long enough to go stale.
Regardless of whether she picks up that implication, it's pretty clear that he's more invested in her enjoyment of them than his own. His bites of muffin aren't nearly as thoughtful as hers, though he would admit they are better than he might have expected.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 07:41 pm (UTC)From:Were you waiting for me to visit? Is that why you hadn't opened them?
[ He could have just asked her. If this was meant to be a Rey trap, it wasn't a very good one if she didn't know it existed. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 07:50 pm (UTC)From:[It wasn't as if it was some kind of calculated decision, and if he'd meant it as a way to lure her here, then he would have said something about it. Enticing her over that way isn't necessary, anyway, when she comes by on her own often enough now.]
I just wanted to have something you'd like if you were here.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 08:10 pm (UTC)From:She doesn't want him to think that burst of sadness has anything to do with him, so she puts down the last bite of her muffin to try to explain. ]
Back on Jakku, if anyone given me something like this --
[ She shrugs and shakes her head, unable to fathom a situation in which anyone might have. ]
Niima outpost was too small to get many traders, and even those who didn't rely on portions to eat needed to be certain the food would keep. I'd have traded it away immediately for something that would last longer, no matter how much I wanted it.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 08:33 pm (UTC)From:You're not on Jakku anymore.
[It's not a rebuttal so much as a sympathetic reminder that she doesn't have to worry about the conditions of her past any more than he's currently beholden to Snoke's instructions.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-16 09:04 pm (UTC)From:[ She does know. But she also knows how quickly people leave here, and how sometimes they come back without any memory of having come here before. There didn't see any rhyme or reason to it, and while she knew that going home wouldn't mean going back to Jakku, it would mean the end of the relatively comfortable life they'd been leading here in the middle of someone else's war. ]
I just worry, sometimes, that I'm going to become accustomed to wanting things I can't keep.
[ It's not about the muffin. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 05:48 am (UTC)From:[He understands what she means. Even now, he might choose to stay here with her, rather than go back to the frustrations of the life he'd been pulled from. But they've already seen things that prove it isn't as simple as making a choice. And ultimately, both of them do have reasons not to leave forever
When we do go home, I wonder if we'll even remember any of this.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 06:04 am (UTC)From:[ Most people didn't find themselves suddenly on the verge of tears because they'd been given a muffin by someone they have feelings for. It's nothing she expected him to know; she just wants him to understand why her reactions are like this sometimes. Why she seems pulled in two directions at once even now. ]
I want to remember. And I don't want to leave yet. I know I should, but -- if this is all we have, I want more of it.
[ It sounds selfish to her ears, but she can't quite want to take it back. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 06:13 am (UTC)From:Me too.
[He has no particular attachment to this place itself, no particular stake in the fight against the Sylphid. But having the barriers to any relationship with Rey so far removed, and being able to spend time with the grandfather he previously could only imagine... those are things he won't give up easily.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 07:25 pm (UTC)From:You have to make me remember. If I leave and forget.
[ It's sudden and insistent, a contrast to her more subdued tone of the moments before. She can't go back to being his enemy after all of this. If one of them remembers, the other can show them. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 07:34 pm (UTC)From:You, too. If I forget... You know how to find me.
[It would be easier if it happened that way, in many respects. She's the one who'd been so insistent on blocking him out, and with the Resistance that had been doing a good job of staying hidden. But he will find her if it falls to him to do so.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 11:10 pm (UTC)From:We were looking for the way to Exegol. Pasaana was our first stop; from there I can't say, but you can figure it out. Get ahead of me. Don't let me do anything stupid.
[ Like steal your ship and set it on fire and then head straight to Exegol by herself. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-06 07:00 am (UTC)From:[He takes a moment to commit that to memory, as fully as he can, some part of him desperately hoping that if he recalls nothing else upon returning, he will somehow know that. He meets her gaze, then.]
I was already looking for you, before we were here.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-06 12:33 pm (UTC)From:[ It's said with almost a touch of relief. She'd been worried that whatever turned her dreams toward the Dark was starting to affect her waking hours too. ]
I thought I was slipping. I kept catching glimpses of you.
[ When her mind wandered anywhere near him, or when she got too tired to keep her guard up...which became more often the harder she trained. ]