She'd told herself she wasn't going to mention the kissing, but now that she was here it seemed strange not to at least... check in. Just to make sure they were both on the same page in regard to what it had or hadn't meant.
"Listen, about the holiday party..."
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, uncertain of where she was even going with this. She didn't know how she felt about it. not entirely. Was that a sign they should talk about it or forget it happened?
"I don't regret having kissed you, but I'm not sure where it leaves us now."
One eyebrow marginally raises. He's almost surprised she actually said something, given how things have been since then. What she actually says isn't a surprise, but in the frustrating way that it tells him nothing he didn't already know. If she truly regretted it, he would have picked up on that before now. It's the ambivalence about it that stings a bit.
"That depends on whether you want it to happen again."
And from her point of view, that's as frustrating an answer as hers had been.
"I didn't think I was unclear before."
She'd revealed more of her feelings than she might've otherwise been willing to thanks to the influence of the magic and the eggnog, but none of it had been anything she hadn't thought of doing before. He was the one who kept his feelings for her frustratingly opaque. And now that she's taken a step toward being... something more than they'd been, it would be nice if she didn't have to be the only one offering up her feelings.
His feelings have been what they've been for a long time, and he's used to her stubbornly refusing to see them, even when they aren't being clouded over by anger and hurt. It makes it that much harder to say them plainly out loud.
She isn't refusing to see them now. She's not sure whether either of them ought to regret the way things had happened, but there's no way to know that without asking.
"Well. I think I need more information."
She tucks a nonexistent strand of hair behind her ear, revealing a glimpse of writing on her wrist: pale enough that it looks like it could be a scar, except the letters are written in clean but delicate aurebesh script. FIND KYLO, they read, each letter outlined in a faint pink as they've not quite healed yet.
Whatever he might have said in answer to that, it's lost as he notices the marks on her wrist. At first, it catches his eye just by being slightly out of place, but then the light pattern of them resolves into words and every thought in his mind disappears except for the conversation they'd had before, promising to find each other if they returned home and only one of them remembered.
He gives the text on her wrist a curious nod. "What's that?"
It takes a few seconds to shift conversational gears that quickly, but once she does she looks faintly embarrassed, as though she hadn't wanted him to notice it just yet. Or possibly ever.
"It's a note to myself. In case I forget."
With some small reluctance, she holds the wrist in question out so he can get a better look at the words.
"I just thought it'd be kind of a waste if I forgot and ended up stabbing you."
He doesn't think she'll stab him, either way. Given how they'd left things back home, she might try, but he has faith in his own ability to defend himself. And really, he hadn't needed the explanation, but it's nice to hear the reasoning out loud, to be certain that it's the same as what he'd thought.
He doesn't know quite what to say, so after a moment he just holds out his own arm and pulls up his sleeve to reveal the word "Pasaana." Done the same way, for the same reason.
It takes her a few attempts to say anything at all. She stares at the lettering on his arm, reaches out to trace two fingertips lightly over it with a sort of wonder. For all their similarities, she hadn't expected him to take the exact same step she had to ensure that they didn't lose this... whatever it was.
When she looks up at him again, her expression is hopeful, if still guarded.
"I can't go back to how it was before. If I'm going to keep kissing you in the future, I mean."
That's part of why she'd had it done. At the very least, she had faith in their ability to make it back to being allies and figure the rest out from there, even if neither of them could remember what the tattoos meant. But this also meant that she was giving him the power to hurt her more deeply than before, and she needed him to know that it wasn't easy to hand over.
"I can't, either." He can't make any specific promises. Even here and now, they wouldn't be able to agree on exactly how anything should go, back in their usual lives. But even before he'd been here, he hadn't wanted to keep her as an enemy; he'd just lacked any hope that she could be swayed. Ultimately, the gesture represents as much vulnerability on his side as it does on hers.
Her expression brightens, some of the weight of uncertainty lifting with his admission.
"Me, too. But maybe without the magic and the eggnog next time?"
Would she have gone about it the exact way she had on her own? Probably eventually, actually. But she still wishes she hadn't fallen asleep in the middle of it and woken up with a slightly hazy uncertainty over the entire thing.
She decides she'd better clarify, though, just in case there's any way he could possibly take her words the wrong way.
"I don't regret it, but I want us to be who we are, not who we've been artificially influenced into being."
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chiming
no subject
Date: 2023-02-17 04:09 am (UTC)From:Then he just looks at her. It's obvious that there's something else she wants to say, and he doubts that it's about the rock.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-17 04:27 am (UTC)From:"Listen, about the holiday party..."
She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, uncertain of where she was even going with this. She didn't know how she felt about it. not entirely. Was that a sign they should talk about it or forget it happened?
"I don't regret having kissed you, but I'm not sure where it leaves us now."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 03:36 am (UTC)From:"That depends on whether you want it to happen again."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 03:48 am (UTC)From:"I didn't think I was unclear before."
She'd revealed more of her feelings than she might've otherwise been willing to thanks to the influence of the magic and the eggnog, but none of it had been anything she hadn't thought of doing before. He was the one who kept his feelings for her frustratingly opaque. And now that she's taken a step toward being... something more than they'd been, it would be nice if she didn't have to be the only one offering up her feelings.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 04:31 am (UTC)From:"I didn't think I was, either."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 04:53 am (UTC)From:"Well. I think I need more information."
She tucks a nonexistent strand of hair behind her ear, revealing a glimpse of writing on her wrist: pale enough that it looks like it could be a scar, except the letters are written in clean but delicate aurebesh script. FIND KYLO, they read, each letter outlined in a faint pink as they've not quite healed yet.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 05:05 am (UTC)From:He gives the text on her wrist a curious nod. "What's that?"
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 05:12 am (UTC)From:"It's a note to myself. In case I forget."
With some small reluctance, she holds the wrist in question out so he can get a better look at the words.
"I just thought it'd be kind of a waste if I forgot and ended up stabbing you."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 05:48 am (UTC)From:He doesn't know quite what to say, so after a moment he just holds out his own arm and pulls up his sleeve to reveal the word "Pasaana." Done the same way, for the same reason.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 06:24 pm (UTC)From:When she looks up at him again, her expression is hopeful, if still guarded.
"I can't go back to how it was before. If I'm going to keep kissing you in the future, I mean."
That's part of why she'd had it done. At the very least, she had faith in their ability to make it back to being allies and figure the rest out from there, even if neither of them could remember what the tattoos meant. But this also meant that she was giving him the power to hurt her more deeply than before, and she needed him to know that it wasn't easy to hand over.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-24 02:36 am (UTC)From:"And I would like to keep kissing you."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-24 03:18 am (UTC)From:"Me, too. But maybe without the magic and the eggnog next time?"
Would she have gone about it the exact way she had on her own? Probably eventually, actually. But she still wishes she hadn't fallen asleep in the middle of it and woken up with a slightly hazy uncertainty over the entire thing.
She decides she'd better clarify, though, just in case there's any way he could possibly take her words the wrong way.
"I don't regret it, but I want us to be who we are, not who we've been artificially influenced into being."