[ If he's paying attention, Kylo will probably have noticed that their bond feels more muted than usual; she's been trying to turn down the volume on her feelings with as much success as she's capable of. ]
[He hadn't been told, as such. Nor had he noticed immediately, considering his uncle's energy is something he's generally inclined to block out. It was only in wondering what might be bothering both Rey and Vader that he'd thought to look for that particular Force signature and come up empty.]
I guess now I know what losing a tether feels like.
[ She instinctively knows it's not the same thing she'd feel if her connection with Kylo were just gone, and she's thankful for that much. But that doesn't make her feel less lonely or regretful that she didn't have more time, or that she was down one friend whom she might never see again. ]
[It's a very odd thing, wanting to feel sympathy for Rey's loss, but incapable of personally feeling anything other than relief about his young uncle's disappearance. At least the tether part of it is something he can relate to, a bit. Though the loss of his own would be a terrible one with or without the tether, and he ruefully thinks the same is probably true for her about Luke.]
How is it different than it would have been without that?
[ Rey's lost enough people to know all the various shades that a loss can take, so her reply comes quickly. ]
I haven't had enough friends in my life that saying goodbye is ever trivial. I would've missed him either way.
This is almost a physical sensation of something missing from me. The place where I could feel his presence is just quiet now, and it hurts. Even knowing he's fine where he is doesn't make it hurt less.
It's hard to sort out what's the tether and what's just normal for people with the Force.
[ She'd felt it when Luke had died, too. Not like this, but she'd felt it, even having known him for such a short time. Maybe this is just what knowing other Force-sensitives is. ]
Snoke. [He does have an idea of how badly that comparison will land without clarification, so to his credit, he adds more to the same message before sending it, rather than leaving it it's own line.] I know that's different. I wanted to be free from him. [And Rey hadn't wanted Luke to leave, whether or not Kylo agrees with the sentiment.] But even knowing that, I felt that quiet. [And it had hurt, even though it shouldn't have.]
[ If he'd just typed that first word she honestly might've thrown her communication device in the trash, but after a few moments her reply comes. ]
It makes sense. You'd had him there for so long, and then you were alone again.
[ Because she'd left. Because she'd shut him out. It had never fully dawned on her how deeply she must've hurt him before now, but now that it has, her sadness takes on a fresh shade of regret. ]
Will it bother you if I come over like this? I don't want to bleed sadness all over you when I know you never wanted him here.
[ Being around him is the only thing that feels as though it could touch this feeling, but she doesn't want them both to be upset in completely opposite ways, either. ]
[He doesn't think he'll have an issue with that. For the moment, at least, he's been able to do a good enough job of keeping a separation between her feelings about Luke and his own. Loss, itself, is something he can understand.]
She knocks on his door a few minutes later, mildly disheveled and with a telltale redness around her eyes that betrays the fact that she's been crying about this for a while. Her instincts had been to keep that to herself until he'd immediately led with calling out her sadness, and until she realized that the only thing that could actually make her feel better was proximity to him.
"I'm going to be horrible company and you don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."
She looks about how he would have expected under the circumstances. The sight still tugs at his heart in a way he's unused to. He had long trained himself not to be swayed by the emotions of others, but he cares when it's her. He'll always care, when it's her.
The warning about being bad company is beyond unnecessary. He knew what to expect when she asked. The rest is a consideration that he appreciates. He gestures her in, closing the door behind her.
"You can talk if you want to." It's the same consideration in reverse. He may not have anything helpful to say, but he doesn't mind listening. He would be in a way, regardless, with the way their thoughts and feelings blend together. He can't care about his uncle the way she might like him to, but he'd made as much peace with him as he ever was going to, when Luke had asked him to just be civil, for her sake. He doesn't like that she'd latched onto him enough to be this affected by his disappearance, but it doesn't bother him as much as it had at first.
She acknowledges his offer with a little nod and a wobbly attempt at a smile before heading directly for his sofa. She curls up in a corner, tucking her legs under her, picking up the throw pillow whose space she's just taken and hugging it tight to her chest. It doesn't help take the empty feeling away, but at least if she squeezes it hard enough she won't feel like throwing it across the room in frustration at losing someone else.
"You don't have to stop whatever you were doing before."
In some ways it'll be easier if he just carries on doing the same thing he'd have been doing otherwise; she doesn't see how paying more attention to her feelings is going to make them fade any faster. It's just better to be sad in Kylo's apartment with him instead of sad and alone in hers.
He hadn't been doing anything in particular before. His thoughts had been occupied for a while by the grief coming from both her and his grandfather and what it might mean. Her message had only served to confirm it.
But he nods regardless, and decides to give her some space. For the next several minutes, he moves around the small apartment kitchen, washing and putting away what little is currently out of place. When he returns, it's with a plate containing the latest thing he'd found in the market to have on hand for Rey to try, which happens to be cookies made with bits of some dried fruit he's not actually familiar with. Silently, he sets it down on the small table beside Rey's edge of the sofa.
She picks up a cookie and takes a sullen bite out of it, not out of any ingratitude but because taking out her upset on a cookie is easier than talking about it.
"Thank you."
It's belated, mumbled while chewing. Her usual enthusiasm for food is dampened a little, but only a little. Fruit is still such a novelty, even dried fruit which wasn't terribly hard to come by back home. More importantly, it gives her something to think about that isn't Luke being gone or Luke being dead back home or Vader's grief somehow feeling oppressive in the Force even though she's not directly connected to him. She's not sure if she's picking it up via Kylo or if it's just that Vader is that much of a presence.
And she realizes, then, that she hasn't asked Kylo how he's dealing. With any of it.
"Are you all right? I know you didn't want him here, but the rest of us being upset can't be easy for you."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[ after Luke leaves ]
Luke went home.
You probably knew that.
Re: [ after Luke leaves ]
[He hadn't been told, as such. Nor had he noticed immediately, considering his uncle's energy is something he's generally inclined to block out. It was only in wondering what might be bothering both Rey and Vader that he'd thought to look for that particular Force signature and come up empty.]
I also know you're upset.
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I guess now I know what losing a tether feels like.
[ She instinctively knows it's not the same thing she'd feel if her connection with Kylo were just gone, and she's thankful for that much. But that doesn't make her feel less lonely or regretful that she didn't have more time, or that she was down one friend whom she might never see again. ]
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How is it different than it would have been without that?
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I haven't had enough friends in my life that saying goodbye is ever trivial. I would've missed him either way.
This is almost a physical sensation of something missing from me. The place where I could feel his presence is just quiet now, and it hurts. Even knowing he's fine where he is doesn't make it hurt less.
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I have an idea of what that's like.
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It's hard to sort out what's the tether and what's just normal for people with the Force.
[ She'd felt it when Luke had died, too. Not like this, but she'd felt it, even having known him for such a short time. Maybe this is just what knowing other Force-sensitives is. ]
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It makes sense. You'd had him there for so long, and then you were alone again.
[ Because she'd left. Because she'd shut him out. It had never fully dawned on her how deeply she must've hurt him before now, but now that it has, her sadness takes on a fresh shade of regret. ]
I didn't realize how it felt to you.
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I know you didn't.
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Will it bother you if I come over like this? I don't want to bleed sadness all over you when I know you never wanted him here.
[ Being around him is the only thing that feels as though it could touch this feeling, but she doesn't want them both to be upset in completely opposite ways, either. ]
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[He doesn't think he'll have an issue with that. For the moment, at least, he's been able to do a good enough job of keeping a separation between her feelings about Luke and his own. Loss, itself, is something he can understand.]
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"I'm going to be horrible company and you don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."
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The warning about being bad company is beyond unnecessary. He knew what to expect when she asked. The rest is a consideration that he appreciates. He gestures her in, closing the door behind her.
"You can talk if you want to." It's the same consideration in reverse. He may not have anything helpful to say, but he doesn't mind listening. He would be in a way, regardless, with the way their thoughts and feelings blend together. He can't care about his uncle the way she might like him to, but he'd made as much peace with him as he ever was going to, when Luke had asked him to just be civil, for her sake. He doesn't like that she'd latched onto him enough to be this affected by his disappearance, but it doesn't bother him as much as it had at first.
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"You don't have to stop whatever you were doing before."
In some ways it'll be easier if he just carries on doing the same thing he'd have been doing otherwise; she doesn't see how paying more attention to her feelings is going to make them fade any faster. It's just better to be sad in Kylo's apartment with him instead of sad and alone in hers.
no subject
But he nods regardless, and decides to give her some space. For the next several minutes, he moves around the small apartment kitchen, washing and putting away what little is currently out of place. When he returns, it's with a plate containing the latest thing he'd found in the market to have on hand for Rey to try, which happens to be cookies made with bits of some dried fruit he's not actually familiar with. Silently, he sets it down on the small table beside Rey's edge of the sofa.
no subject
"Thank you."
It's belated, mumbled while chewing. Her usual enthusiasm for food is dampened a little, but only a little. Fruit is still such a novelty, even dried fruit which wasn't terribly hard to come by back home. More importantly, it gives her something to think about that isn't Luke being gone or Luke being dead back home or Vader's grief somehow feeling oppressive in the Force even though she's not directly connected to him. She's not sure if she's picking it up via Kylo or if it's just that Vader is that much of a presence.
And she realizes, then, that she hasn't asked Kylo how he's dealing. With any of it.
"Are you all right? I know you didn't want him here, but the rest of us being upset can't be easy for you."